Confessions of a Deadbeat NPR Junky

I blame it on Guy Noir, private eye.

But since Guy Noir is a fictional character, the product of Garrison Keillor’s imagination, maybe I shouldn’t blame it on him. If I want to be taken seriously, I should blame it on a real entity.

I blame it on NPR. National Public Radio.

That’s a real entity and will remain so at least until the Tea Party has dumped all that is good about our government into the metaphorical Boston Harbor and replace it with one nation under Corporate Standards.

But let’s not get into that. Obviously, my biases are showing.

What I blame on NPR is the fact that the battery in my car is dead. It’s all their fault.

You see, when I drove home from church Sunday, I had NPR on. In fact, I always have NPR on, but anyway….

Garrison Keillor’s Prairie Home Companion happened to be on and as I turned into my street, the Guy Noir, Private Eye segment came on. I parked the car and turned it off and, of course, the radio went off. Duh!

I turned the key as far as the “Accessories” setting and Ta-da!, the radio came back on. I sat and listened through the adventures of Guy Noir, then for some reason, I turned the radio off – perhaps because we are in the midst of their spring membership drive and I didn’t want to be reminded, yet again, that I hadn’t made a pledge – but neglected to turn the key to the “off” position when I got out of the car.

Now, you may think that this is a frivolous complaint or even a thinly-veiled advertisement for NPR, but I assure you that I am not affiliated with NPR in any way and I do not stand to benefit from NPR – at least not any more than any other listener would benefit. This is a serious issue.

NPR knows that their listeners have a tendency to sit in their cars after they’ve gotten wherever they were going to listen to the end of whichever news item, commentary, interview, Car Guys, Sunday puzzle or whatever is over.

They are aware of this syndrome and have even attached a name to it: Driveway moments.

And they blatantly use this to hook those of us who are addicted. So I think it is only fair that they take responsibility for my dead battery.

What’s that? What! You claim that just because I am not a member and do not pledge to my local NPR station, I don’t have the right to hold them responsible?

Are you a member? Have you pledged? Let him who is without culpability cast the first aspersion.

I used to be a member. In fact, I’ve been a member of NPR stations all over the state of Kansas. My kids were even members when they were tender young things. They decided that they wanted to support public radio when I called in my pledge, so they pledged, too. Guess whose pocket that came out of?

Even now, my daughter is a member and pledges regularly. I raised her right. My son would probably be a member, too, but all his financial support is going to UEM (Unemployed Mom) for the time being.

So don’t get uppity with me and tell me that I have no right…shhh! I want to listen to this!